late night journal entries

I spend a significant amount of time everyday contemplating my future. That future, that was once so far away, now looms over me like one of those really black rain clouds that, at any moment, could open its pores and drench me to the bone. Life really will come at me just like that. And it's okay. I think I'll be ready for it. I won't be so ready that I'll have an umbrella, but at least I'll be prepared enough that the first downpour won't shock me. Sooner or later, I'll step under a canopy and dry off a bit, only to step out into the storm again and again. I know that's how my life will be at first. I chose this path, and I don't regret it. And it doesn't worry me that I'm scared. I don't feel any less driven, just unfocused. I want to do too many things, see too many places. I don't know how to micromanage and fit everything in. Bottom line: I'm not a naturally organized person. I'm clean, but I'm messy. And I want to have my shit together. I HAVE to have my shit together. There's no getting around that fact. My future is, indeed, looming. I think my perception of it will change. When everything starts to fall into place, it will be a light at the end of the tunnel or some other metaphorical bullshit cliche. For now, though, I'll stick with the rain cloud...but I've always loved a good thunderstorm.